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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/28512615">Welcome Home</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/WiseGirlEverdeen/pseuds/WiseGirlEverdeen'>WiseGirlEverdeen</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>In the Heights - Miranda/Hudes</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Nina is Sad, Projection, based on breathe, fear of failure</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2021-01-02</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2021-01-02</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-10 19:22:28</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>General Audiences</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>No Archive Warnings Apply</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>1,177</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/28512615</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/WiseGirlEverdeen/pseuds/WiseGirlEverdeen</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>She only showcased her success. She tried to make it look effortless. She tried to look sure of herself. But that nagging fear in the back of her mind that she would amount to nothing felt like a dull, persistent ache that won't subside no matter what. She only showed the others what she wanted to show them. She showed them the grade, not the endless worrying that came before that. She spoke casually about the things she learned in school, trying to appear smart in order to please the adults around her.</p>
<p>OR</p>
<p>A deeper look inside Nina's head during "Breathe".</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Nina Rosario &amp; Everyone</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>5</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>Welcome Home</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>So... this is just me projecting all my fears through fictional characters as per usual lmao</p>
<p>I don't think there are any particularly triggering topics, but if there's anything just let me know!</p>
<p>Anyway, I hope you enjoy... whatever this is supposed to be!</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Nina had big dreams. Everyone knew this. They supported her in her endeavours and knew she would make it far. She was always bright and the encouragement she received only fueled her desire to pursue her dreams. Money would always be an issue but she was confident that her scholarship and an extra job would get her through it. It turns out working two jobs and balancing studying for exams along with showing up to class on time was more than she could handle.</p>
<p>Too stubborn and prideful to ask her parents for help, Nina spent the last few months on a couch at her friend’s place before going back home. Eventually, she had to break the news to her parents somehow. She felt like the biggest disappointment they knew-- they had lost faith in her yet she couldn't hack it, she couldn't make it after all. With a sinking feeling, she realizes that maybe she was their last hope-- the only true success of that street in Washington Heights.</p>
<p>With that realization came the thought that maybe they don't care about her, but rather what she's accomplished. Because, when she really thinks about it, at her core, what is she? What is she other than logic and book smarts? What is she other than a 4.0 GPA and perfect SAT scores? The others all have something to give. Abuela is the glue that holds them together, Usnavi is loyal to a fault, Sonny is hopeful and inspired, Daniela is friendly and positive, but what is she? She's come to accept that without her good grades, she is nothing. She has been reduced to nothing more than a disappointment and she knows that now.</p>
<p>They were always so proud of her. So sure that she would go on and achieve great things. She thinks, maybe, just maybe, that reinforcement is what led to her eventual demise. She appreciated the continued support and assurance, but eventually, she felt it became a challenge to keep going. If she didn't live up to their expectations, she was sure they would hate her, or at the very least, see her as less than. And that was the last thing she wanted. The last thing she wants to do is disappoint the people she cares about by not meeting the near-impossible standards they have unintentionally set for her. She knows they mean well, but hearing them speculate on whether she would become a doctor, astronaut, or lawyer when she was twelve years old really put things into perspective.</p>
<p>She only showcased her success. She tried to make it look effortless. She tried to look sure of herself. But that nagging fear in the back of her mind that she would amount to nothing felt like a dull, persistent ache that won't subside no matter what. She only showed the others what she wanted to show them. She showed them the grade, not the endless worrying that came before that. She spoke casually about the things she learned in school, trying to appear smart in order to please the adults around her.</p>
<p>Everyone telling her that she was the smartest girl they knew filled her with a sense of pride. Whether they meant it or not it felt good to hear. Then, at night, when she laid in bed, she would mull it over and wonder if they were actually being truthful. She wished she had more confidence, but all of her self worth is built on what other people think of her. She felt the need to get these good grades for herself, yes, in part, but mostly for the admiration of others. As she got older, that admiration stayed but subsided. Reading at a college level at eleven years old is much more impressive than reading at college level at seventeen. She felt like she made no progress in terms of academic prowess and despite others telling her how proud they were of her, it never properly stuck. She still felt worthless to her standards.</p>
<p>Her friends would say, <em>“Gosh, Nina, stop worrying so much. You're smart.”</em> and she would try to listen to them. Sometimes, they got annoyed with her for stressing over something she couldn't properly control. She wishes she could be more sure about herself but it's a daunting task when you have a little voice in the back of your head telling you that you will never amount to anything. Her time at Stanford made her realize that the voice was probably right.</p>
<p>She was “the one who made it out”. they had so much faith in her she started to believe it herself. But then, struggling to pay off what her scholarship didn't give her and thus working two jobs, trying to do well in class and on exams, and maintaining her sanity all at once became too much and she just broke. Nina, who was told she could accomplish anything she set her mind to, who finally started to believe it, saw her life’s work crumble before her very eyes.</p>
<p>She thinks about what they're going to think of her when they realize she didn't actually make it out. She will have failed her entire street-- everyone who put so much hope, so much trust, in her would lose faith. <em>Paciencia y Fe.</em> That's what Abuela always told her. But she lost all patience and she's lost all faith.</p>
<p>For years, all she did was dream. She would climb as high as she could and sit there under the stars, observing the city below her. She told herself that she would be patient, that she would have faith. She told herself it would lead to great things. She finally thought all her hard work had paid off when she went to Stanford. Within a few months, she realized that wasn't the case.</p>
<p>Times like that felt like lifetimes ago and Nina wished she could go back to the days when the city was hers, when she would stay wide awake, planning out her future with hopeful determination. She knew where she was going to go, what she was going to be, how she was going to do it. She figured she would work it all out in the end.</p>
<p>Life had other plans for her. Now, with her heart heavy and no destination in mind, she wonders what she will be. She liked to think she wasn’t stupid. She figured she knew just how to navigate real life and make it through as smoothly and unscathed as possible. Now, after Stanford, she realized that to a certain extent, she was just a naive little girl living in her fantasy land.</p>
<p>
  <em>Just breathe.</em>
</p>
<p>She smiled and waved at the familiar faces she passed by, chatting idly and making small talk where she could. They all looked so happy to see her back, so proud. She tried to push the fear and bitterness away. Nina concluded that deep down, she always knew-- an important, perhaps obvious fact--</p>
<p>Big dreams don’t do well in a small community.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>I hope you enjoyed it! you can find me on Tumblr @wise-girl-everdeen and @wisegirlwrites if need be!</p></blockquote></div></div>
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